I hate sharing what I create, but I can't stop doing it
I need to create things. Usually by writing something like this. It's sort of an unstoppable compulsion really.
I love thinking up a new thing, trying a different take on something or just straight repeating something that has been done before just because it's cool and I want to have a go at doing it myself.
Why share at all
I want to make/do those things I do because I have to. There's also the secondary hope it piques the interest of someone else and, praise be, maybe inspires them to make something themselves.
Usually it's a blog post that's inspired me to do something so I fell it's my duty, you know today you, tomorrow me etc etc.
But doing so means sharing what I've written, done or made. And I HATE this part. Being put up for scrutiny, having to face the opinions of others and deal with the fallout of disagreement and criticism.
It's not always because some people can cut to the quick with a searing truth or illuminate a painful flaw with a pithy remark, but also because how many objectively stupid comments the internet can bring. Knowing there's that much dumb in the world is a bit disheartening :-)
Oh, and there's the minor issue that a lot of what I write is not worthy of being shared.
In obscurity there is safety
Fortunately, this blog is of such singular unimportance that very few people ever read it. I'm even blessed with almost total apathy by my friends and family, many of whom simply have no idea this place exists nor would have any inclination to read it if I were to tell them.
Hold on...I did tell them...
So thankfully the angst can be mostly contained internally save for those moments when I giddily post something on HackerNews or reddit or whatever.
I'll confess to periodically returning to all that I've shared in these ways and simply deleting everything. Every link and reference shared across social media - I'll just delete it. And not just links, entire posts, even whole websites have fallen under the digital delete hammer.
Many flabber-jowled keyboard monkeys will now be dusting off their frosting of cheeto dust as they wheezily rush to grope out the 'you can't really delete anything from the internet' meme in the comments section.
Jokes on you, there is no comment section.
Try being spirit-crushingly unimportant and ignored by everyone (you know the feeling). Pretty easy to delete stuff that even the bots won't pay attention to despite shoving it semantically into their artificial little faces.
Anyway, I can't offer you much insight in dealing with such feelings my dear reader.
But I can say there's something cathartic about retreating to the sanctuary of isolation I've created for myself here.
In the past I've simply stopped blogging as the awkwardness built up to a crescendo of over analysis and that curious skin-crawling sensation of putting oneself up for display.
But I've always returned to posting something, writing something, making something. So perhaps the most important thing I could say is to remain true to yourself, do what you must do, critique be damned.
The worse thing that can happen is internet strangers disagree with you (or worse continue to ignore you) but even if so you'll be in the same position to when you began.
And importantly, if you do just 'do it', you will have scratched that incessant creative itch.
So I say - just keep on keeping on.
Plus, with my new found discipline, I thought it time for another way of approaching this internal tension.
So the posts will keep coming.
I imagine after the requisite 10,000 hours they'll probably start to improve in quality.